The name says all, let's here 'em!

Stewie:(reading "your body and you") Every 3 to 4 weeks, for 4 to 6 days, it is entirely normal for a female to.... Oh my God! That's disgusting!"

Oh my, they're getting naked, prehaps I shouldn't watc- Nice ones Genine! Oh and Look at Cindy in all of her curvatious glory! What? Heavens, my wee-wee seems to be stricken with rigormortis!


oh man, that show makes winter much easier on the soul....


-Dan

Stewie: If you cooked any slower... you wouldn't an egg timer, you'd need an egg Calendar! haha Oh yes.. I went there.

Stewie: He runs like a welshman, doesn't anyone think he runs like a welshman?

Peter: get out i have to poop ....... NOW !

Peter: Lois, I don't get how this works, It looks like it's just a hole in the ground... It doesn't seem to go anywhere...No, it definatly doesn't go anywhere....(bird flys into the side of the outhouse) Ohhh god! It's everywhere! Oh... God... It's in my raccoon wounds!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris: And there's the broken condom that led to my brith!
Lois: You were always my favourite mistake.
Chris: See Meg??? I'm the favourite!!! Hahahaha!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quagmire: How old are you?
Cindy: 16
Quagmire: 18? You're first!
Cindy: Mom.....
Quagmire: I like where this is going! Gigadee gigadee gigadee gigadee gig-a-dee!

Olivia: I'm attracting a crowd?! You've been stuffing your diaper since you've started at the school.

Stewie: It happens to be where i keep my peppermint Mentos!! Just because your breath reaks of rotten lunchables doesn't mean mine has to!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Judge: You have been sentanced to two years in Jail for fraud
Lois: Oh my God... I'm sorry about my husband i know he can be a little rough around the edges but... if theres anything i can do....
Judge: Well then you can go to Jail too.....
Lois: Oh No
Brian: Oh No
Meg: Oh No
Peter: Oh No
***Kool-Aid Guy Bursts in****
Kool Aid Guy: O YAH!!!
*everyone stares at the Kool Aid Guy and the Kool Aid Guy backs out*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter: Now whatever you do kids Do, don't go near the Candy tree.
Tree: he's right to caution you... i feed on children
*little girl walks by and tree eats girl*

Salesman: Ya I truly came here to sell you beuty cream but as i can see you already emptyed the warehouse

Peter: so wat were you sealing now??

Salesmen: volcano insurance

Peter: O comme in


Lmao best show ever sorry for my spelling im not very good in english

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Is that even Family Guy? I have seen all of the seasons and cannot seem to recall that line...

alright i can't remember the full quote but here it goes -

Peter: Its like that time on that show where those two boys get sexually malested by the guy at the bike store .

*shop onwer*: alright now i want you kids to scream real hard at my ass !

judge: alright then youve learn your leason , right ?

Peter: yeah , stay the hell away from that bike shop

Peter: Chicken...Gave me....Bad coupon....

Judge: You're free to go...
Peter: *sigh of relief*
Judge: ... STRAIGHT TO JAIL!

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one.
----------------------------
Stewie Griffin: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb!
---------------------
Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
----------------------
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple!
------------------------
Stewie Griffin: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
-----------------------
[Riding a circus elephant.]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
--------------------
Stewie Griffin: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE! I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!
----------------------
Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
------------------
Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Brian Griffin: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
-------------------------
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!
----------------------------
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening!
---------------------
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
---------------------------
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, broccoli!
-------------------------
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
--------------------------
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO"!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
----------------------
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
--------------------------
Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"

Police Officer: Hey! That's Against the law! You're coming with me!
Peter Griffin: (singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this) Ah ah ah! Can't Touch Me
Can't Touch me
Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy
from Lethal Weapon 2
I've got diplomatic Immunity
so Hammer, you can't sue
I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets
I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat
Can't touch me
Can't touch me
Joe Swanson: What in god's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me!
Cleveland: I belive it's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me
STOP, Peter time
I'm a big shot, there's no doubt light a fire then pee it out
Don't like it, kiss my rump
Just for a minute, let's all do the bump
Can't touch me
Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump
Can't touch me
I'm Presidential Peter
Interns think I'm hot
Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot
I've been around the world
from Hartford to Back Bay
It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way
Can't touch me!

oh and i got all of these quotes from a site ( since i am to lazy to write them ) i suggest you people visite the site read some of them , trust me i've been laughing for the past 5 minuttes
site

Judge: Mr. Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you ever not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you say for yourself?
Peter Griffin: BABBA BOUI! BABBA BOUI! BABBA BOUI! HOWARD STERN'S PENIS! BABBA BOUI! BABBA BOUI!

Stewie: I come bearing gifts! I'll give you a hint, it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Lois: Here we are kids... the town of Bumblescum.
Meg: Is that our house?!
Lois: O don't worry kids... if we fix it up i bet it'll be a peice of crap
*peter falls through the floor*
Peter: Theres a penny under the couch
Meg: Ahhhh there's a man in the closet!
Jeff Foxworhthy: You know your a redneck when your gunrack has a gunrack in it...
Peter: NOT FUNNY
*slams door*

If you want to get technical, I believe Brian said "not funny"

oh snap

I don't know what those women are talking about, that wasn't so baAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Favorite :

Well Peter if you're going to pull a party out of your ass, you'd better stand up.

[watching a news report on TV]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god! He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.
------------------------------------
Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin: Right here.
[drinks beer]
Peter Griffin: What do I win?
Glen Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score!
Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score!
Charlie: Hey, your clock wont flush!
------------------------------
Peter Griffin: Gee, Lois, I hope that you don't do something stupid like buying that time share or realizing that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.
--------------------------------
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
-------------------------------
[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.
--------------------------------
Brian Griffin: The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris Griffin: Brown's the color of poo! AHHAHAHAHAHA!
Lois Griffin: Oh my god! you can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter Griffin: That's not true. I can also vomit, fall over, and make dirty calls to your sister.
--------------------------------------
Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond...James Bond. I'll do it!
---------------------------------
Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, Think about what you are doing!
Peter Griffin: I am, Your honor Brian will be a great dad! Hell if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is....
Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip.
Peter Griffin: and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is....
Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon.
Peter Griffin: and Meg's real father's name is....
Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.
---------------------------------
Lawyer: Madame Pewterschmidt's passing was a tragedy.
Peter Griffin: Yes, it was. Come on, what did we get?
[really fast]
Peter Griffin: Big money big money big money big money no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy STOP!

[at a dog show]
Peter Griffin: Brian, come! Hey, don't you walk out on me!
[aware that the audience is watching]
Peter Griffin: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy! Heh heh, heh heh!
--------------------------------------
Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
--------------------------------
Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic!
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron!
--------------------------------
Chris Griffin: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word that's not kitty. Try and guess.
Meg Griffin: Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin: AHHH! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
-----------------------------------
Peter Griffin: I'm going to jump off this building.
Cleveland: Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear.
Glen Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
------------------------------------
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
--------------------------------
Brian Griffin: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
--------------------------------
Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake!
Peter Griffin: There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
---------------------------------
Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space!
[flashback]
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old daughter out into the woods for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry pedophile with you.

now here as some of my favs.

Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner!
--------------------------------------
[on the phone]
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing?
[pause]
Chris Griffin: Wow! I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.
--------------------------------------
Peter Griffin: I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Glen Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.
--------------------------------
Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
------------------------------
Peter Griffin: What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman?
Glen Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis...as in my fantasy.
[pause]
Glen Quagmire: You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
----------------------------------
Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming!
-----------------------------
Tom Tucker: And now time for the Ollie weather report.
Ollie: It's gonna rain!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie.

omg you guys are crazy, now i dont have any to post! yet reading this reminded me on how the show is amazing! lol

Chris: I haven't been this confused since I saw "NO WAY OUT". How does Kevin Costner keep finding work?

Dianne Simmons: And now back to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa's Report on Sex.
Trisha: Yes i'm here in this hotel room where Carl and Maria are still making love to eachother as if they would when they first started dating. What is there secret? Maria has a massivly large brain tumor and that happens to be Carl's fetish
{later in the episode}
Dianne Simmons: And now back to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa's Report on Sex.
Trisha: Yes i'm here in a hotel room where i've picked up an anonymous stranger who will voluntarilly sleep with me... lets watch as we go deep down and undercover with this potentially dangerous man... here he comes
Quagmire: Heh heh, i've never had sex with a Spanish chick before... heh heh o-le
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tattoo Artist: Now what would you like today
Dude: A Skull
Tattooo Artist: Well i can draw Kermit the Frog...
Dude: No i want a skull
Tattoo Artist: Well how bout a nice Kermit the Frog... yah you're getting Kermit the Frog
---------------------------------------------------------------
Stewie: Way to go fido, now we've got no money, we didn't pay for the room, we've got some guy chasing us, we hotwired a car... now i'm going to have a record
Brian: You forgot the part where i slammed your head against the winshield
Stewie: What the Duece?! I don't remember that...
{Brian slams on the brakes to the car}
Stewie: Oww... well i guess i walked myself right into that one didn't i?
----------------------------------------------------

cant remember exactly how this goes, but:
Lois:Peter, you're acting like a child!
Peter: Well, if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile!

peter:lois are your pregnant?
lois:no
peter:good (pushes down stairs)

Peter: Christians don't belive in gravity.

Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but...you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
---------------------
Peter Griffin: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think thats adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
-----------------------------
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?

Ok heres my best try

Jesus:*pulling out gun* " Do you know how to use one of these",?
Chris Tucker:*pulling Out Joint* " Do you know how to use one of these",!

British Porn:Guy:Almost, Almost, Almost and there we go
British Porn:Girl: Good job indeed
^Not sure if that ones right, (Please don't mind my spelling)

And thos are my favorite

well, someone has only seen one episode of Family Guy.

and you sir, are a FESTIVIO!

God trying to hook up with a hot chick in a bar:

God: Hey. I can light that cigarette for you.
(lightning bolt from God's finger lights cigarette)
Girl: Hey! thats pretty cool!
God: Yeah, watch this!
(lightning bolt from God's finger fries girl)
God: AH! Oh Jesus Christ!
Jesus (behind God trying to pick a different girl): What?!
God: We gotta scram!
(The two make a getaway in a Cadillac with James Bond music in background)

-----------------------------------------------------

Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!
Chris: Yeah.. well... you're hoggin up ALL THE UGLY!

-----------------------------------------------------

Peter, seeing Joe in his wheelchair for the first time:

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Peter selling all of his posessions:

Peter: Aww, look. It's my first bike. I had lots of good times with this thing.

*Flashback*

Peter: (having a picnic with his bike) More tea, Mr. Bicycle?

Stweie "Yes yes i'll have the coffee cake"

Stewie (looking at himself wearing lip stick) "You are a bad girl. You are looking for a good time and you don't care how you get it because that is what gets you off"
Brian "Wow, the evidence is really starting to pile up"
Stewie "Say what you want you know that I look good"

Only one I can remember that hasnt been said

Chris: Hi I'm Chris and tonight I'm not supposed to talk about poo....O GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!

*Chris walks downstairs naked*
Chris: Mom, I need new batteries for my walkman - AH! Why is everybody else naked!

Mr. McCloud: "Why thats ridiculous, almost has ridiculous has Steinberg with his Jewish holiday crap.. Damnit Steinberg take off that hat!"

peter: it's my duty......hehehe doodey.....diareha . Hey lois diareha ...(lois) hehehehe peter i'm holding lemonade


oh that was a good episode

http://www.ejbdotcom.net/content/1552.html

It's ice tea actually.

hahaha that was to funny, what is the name of that song anyways. I keep forgeting it.

Aha - take on me

i dont care if it was posted but its too funny

hello costumers....testicules lmao

not a quote, but i think possibly one of the more screwed up moments i got to catch on Family guy:

Lois mentioning something about men getting tough...

She drops her pants begging to be spanked, and the DOG spanks her...

shudder....

chris: oh my god, my fish is gone!! (sees smashed piggy bank) and he robbed me!!